The Self is a Verb

We often think of our identity as fixed. At our center, there is an I, a personality, which feels very solid; we have our origin stories, our experiences, struggles, a list of preferences, parts of ourselves we like to keep hidden, and parts we like to present. We hold images of ourselves in our minds like snapshots that do not change over time.

However, when we look more deeply, we see the self not as a noun, but rather as a verb: that the self is being constructed moment to moment. Understanding this is key to understanding our personal transformation. If we were to take a scalpel, dissect ourselves, we couldn't find a single piece that is not subject to change. In fact, there is not a single cell in our bodies that is not changing from one moment to the next. So, when we think of ourselves, it can be helpful to understand the self as an emergent phenomenon, a verb, rather than something fixed.

We can apply labels to ourselves. We might think, I am lazy, or I am always tired, I am an addict, I am a smoker, I am a drinker. When we hold these views, it can be very difficult to change. But if we begin to see our identity not as something fixed, but as something that changes as everything in our life changes, then we can let go of beliefs that limit us.

In my work with addiction, I see people who strongly identifiy as an addict. They say, I am an alcoholic, or I am a drug addict. And yes, those words, that acknowledgement and recognition, are often a vital first step on their journey of recovery, useful placeholders that allow them to see things more clearly and give energy for change. But at the same time, I see people fail over and over because they are so wedded to the perception they hold of themselves, they invariably fall back to this default setting that exists only in their minds. The rigidity of unhelpful beliefs prevents a new self that is more free and happy from emerging.

I often use the image of a snake that is fighting to be free with my therapy clients. The more the snake wrestles, the tighter we hold on. The solution is not to grip harder; it is to let go.

Personal transformation is a process; we first need to identify the patterns that keep representing themselves in our lives. We need to work hard so new patterns can emerge and old ways of being can atrophy.

Take some time to journal about these questions.

1. What labels or fixed ideas about yourself do you hold on to? How might they be limiting your capacity to change?
2. If you were able to let go of difficult and destructive patterns in your life, who would you like to become? What would your life look like? What is your vision of yourself for the future?